Something to live for
by MoonlightMarauder
Summary: When Hermione finds herself in the Astronomy Tower thinking about suicide, something unexpected happens... SSHG preship. My first fanfic, written preHBP.


Rating: K

Pairing: SS/HG, pre-ship.

Category: General/drama

Disclaimer: Characters and setting belong to the fantastic J.K. Rowling. No money is being made, and no harm is intended.

Author's note: Repost, as it has been betaed by the wonderful Mika Bird.

* * *

**Something to live for**

Hermione Granger was running down the hallway, tears streaming down her cheeks. It was well after midnight, but she didn't care. She just wanted to get as far away from Gryffindor Tower as possible. Away from her friends...

_At least I thought they were my friends. _

She stumbled over and fell to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably. The voices of Harry and Ron were reverberating in her mind, their words cutting deep into her heart.

"_I'm sorry, Hermione, but it's your own fault! If you'd just loosen up a little, it would be so much easier for you! No one would go around behind your back, calling you a bossy and prissy know-it-all."_

Weren't they supposed to be her friends? Weren't they supposed to support her and be nice to her? But they just hurt her with their words and annoyed glances, little comments about how much she studied and how irritating it was when she told them to do the same.

_Why can't they see that I'm trying to help them? Why can't they see how much it hurts me when I hear someone whispering behind my back? Why can't they help me?_

Her tears had slowed somewhat and she rose stiffly. With no idea of where to go, she just started to walk, letting her feet guide her. Soon she reached the Astronomy Tower and she climbed the stairs without conscious, pushed the door open and stepped into the cold night. A soft wind gently played with her uncontrollable hair as she slowly walked over to the railing, gazing up at the few visible stars.

_What if that really is what everybody thinks about me? How will I ever find love, when not even my own friends can stand me? Apparently I don't deserve that kind of happiness. Maybe I should just end it all? Maybe I should just jump? It would spare me of this pain, and it's not like anyone's going to miss me much. Or maybe I could just stand here until someone comes to look for me, and then they'll know how much they've hurt me. IF someone comes to look for me._

Without another thought she climbed over the railing, stood on the small ledge and peered down through the darkness. The ground was so far away, and it made her dizzy to try to see it. Instead she looked up at the sky again.

_Is this it? Is this how my life is going to end? No, this is insane! What the hell am I doing?_

A sudden noise and an outcry behind her startled her and she tried to turn around, completely forgetting where she was. Her foot slipped and she fell screaming into the darkness beneath her.

-----

Severus Snape froze in the doorway of the Astronomy Tower, taken aback for a moment. He had intended to look for stray students, but he was not prepared to find one standing on the other side of the railing, as if prepared to jump. For two breathless seconds he stared at the student. It seemed to be a young woman, but he couldn't see who it was, and he couldn't possibly imagine who it might be.

_Who in the name of Merlin would be foolish enough to do such a thing? _

The student in front of him sighed deeply and let go of the railing, and his heart skipped a beat. Before he could stop himself he shouted: "No!"

She whirled around to look at him, but her foot slipped and she fell back wards, screaming. Severus rushed for wards, desperately trying to get a hold of the falling girl, missing her by mere inches. Instead he pulled out his wand and shouted: "Wingardium Leviosa!"

The falling girl was caught mere seconds before she hit the ground. silver jet shot out of his wand, quickly spreading out under the falling girl and forming a net mere seconds before she would have fallen to the ground. Releasing the breath he didn't even know he had been holding back, he levitated the girl back to the floor of the tower. She was unconscious and her hair was covering her face. He quickly brushed it away to see who it was, and started as he recognised her.

_Miss Granger? Oh, Merlin. _

He quickly scooped her up in his arms and hurried to wards the Hospital Wing. As a Potions Master he couldn't help but think that it would have been so much more efficient if she had tried to take poison, and knowing her intelligence he knew that she would have thought of that as well. As the thought crossed his mind he broke into a run, hoping and praying that she had only tried to jump.

-----

Light flickered across her closed eyelids. She was lying on something soft and warm, and feeling completely comfortable despite a pounding headache.

_Is this heaven? Oh no, I didn't really want to die, please let me have lived._

Slowly Hermione opened her eyes. It took her a little while to see clearly, but when she did she heaved a relieved sigh. She was in the Hospital Wing, which meant she was alive.

_But how? I remember hearing something and then falling._

Madam Pomfrey, who poked her head through the closed curtains around the bed, interrupted the young woman's thoughts.

"Thank Merlin you're awake! You gave us all such a scare, dear child, what on earth were you thinking." She was mumbling as she bustled around, checking Hermione's temperature, handing her several goblets with potions.

"Here, this is for the headache. I'll just go get the Headmaster." She hurried into her office, casting worried looks over her shoulder.

_Of course she's worried, she thinks I've just tried to kill myself--and I guess you could say that she's right._

Trying to avoid thinking about the reason for being in the Hospital Wing, Hermione slowly drank the last potion. As she sat the goblet down on the bedside table, Madam Pomfrey walked back into the room, followed by the Headmaster. After a brief conversation Madam Pomfrey went back into her office while the Headmaster walked over to Hermione's bed and sat down in a chair beside it.

A few moments went by without either of them saying anything. Finally Dumbledore cleared his throat and said in a worried voice: "Are you all right, dear child?"

Hermione stared at the covers, not knowing what to say and afraid to look into his eyes. She coughed slightly and then answered: "I... I guess so. I really didn't mean to... It was just this stupid fight I had with Harry and Ron. They said that-that it's my own fault I feel like-like an outsider, that it's because I'm always so bossy and prissy, and-" Her voice broke as her throat constricted, and she could feel the tears starting to flow again. Unable to stop herself she started crying again, sobbing uncontrollably into her pillow.

"There, there, dear child, all will be well." Dumbledore mumbled as he gently patted her hand, letting her cry the tears that she needed.

-----

The door to the Hospital Wing opened silently and a figure in black approached the bed, stopping behind Dumbledore's chair. He stared down at the crying girl, feeling oddly like an intruder. After a couple of minutes her breathing became calmer as she was falling asleep again. Dumbledore stood up to leave.

"I should find Minerva and inform her that Miss Granger is safe. Would you stay with her, Severus?"

Without waiting for a response he got up and left the room. Severus stared at the sleeping form of Hermione Granger for a couple of minutes before sighing deeply and sitting down in the chair previously occupied by Dumbledore. For a long time he just continued his staring, thoughts whirling through his head.

_What on earth made her try something that stupid? And what am I supposed to do if she wakes up? I know no words of comfort… _

A sudden impulse made him grab her hand. He was somewhat surprised by his own action. For so many years he had never allowed himself to show compassion, least of all to Gryffindors. He didn't know what had made him take her hand, but now that he was holding it he found it difficult to let go –even if he had wanted to.

_I suppose it is normal for me as a teacher to be concerned about a student of mine. Especially since it was I who found her. It is my duty. Even though it doesn't explain the odd feeling in my heart._

He had no idea where that last thought had come from, and it made him feel rather uncomfortable. He pushed the matter out of his mind and frowned down at the young woman in front of him.

Her eyelids fluttered slightly and slowly opened. When she saw him sitting there, looking at her with his dark eyes, holding her hand, she simply stared for a moment before a tentative smile spread over her lips.

"Hello, professor Snape."

"Hello, Miss Granger." It took him a bit of an effort to keep his voice from betraying the emotions inside of him, but he managed to sound somewhat as cold as usual. He looked at her, wondering how to ask the question that was on his mind, but she spoke before he had a chance to ask.

"You're probably wondering why…" She couldn't look him in the eye and instead she studied the small vase of flowers on her bedside table.

"Yes, I am. I was most surprised to see you standing on that railing."

"It was you who saved me?" She looked surprised.

"It was. Miss Granger--Hermione… Why?"

Her eyes widened slightly in surprise, and Severus immediately began to mentally scold himself, pulling his hand away from hers. She held on tighter, and this time it was he who looked surprised, as she softly whispered: "Do you really want to know?"

_More than anything. Why would you want to throw away your life when you are so young and have so many years in front of you?_

"It was rather stupid, actually… I had a fight with Harry and Ron earlier, and they- Well, they said some things that really hurt me..."

She sighed and looked down at her hands, clasped in her lap.

"They said that everyone is talking about me behind my back because I'm too--bossy and prissy… I was just so angry and so miserable; I just needed to get out. Before I knew it I was standing in the tower, wanting to--to jump. I couldn't help but think that--that I'm not worthy of love and happiness, if even my own friends don't like me."

She sighed deeply, and Severus opened his mouth to say something, but he found himself at a loss of words. After staring at a small hole in her blanket for a while, she continued: "When I stood there on the ledge I realised that… I didn't want to die after all. I heard something behind me and I must've slipped."

"Miss Granger…" His voice was shaking slightly and he coughed before continuing: "I am- I am afraid that it was probably me you heard. I am sorry, I did not mean to startle you."

"It's all right. I'm just so embarrassed and I feel so miserable... You know, they are right, no one wants to be with me. No one could ever love me."

The tears were now streaming down her cheeks again, and without a thought Severus pulled her close to him, holding her tightly as she cried into his chest. His heart felt like it was shattering.

_How can she possibly believe that? She is so beautiful and-- What on earth am I going to say to her?_

"That is not true, Hermione. You are a very beautiful and intelligent young woman, one of the most talented witches to attend this school in decades. Anyone who cannot see that is a fool and not worthy of your time. And you can be loved..." He finally mumbled.

His heart skipped a beat, as he stared into the air. He had no idea what this young woman had become to him, and he was afraid it was too much to be good for any of them. That he was feeling something entirely inappropriate.

For a long time he just held on to her, wanting her to feel know that he meant every word he had spoken. It felt completely wrong and completely right at the same time. It had been so long since he had allowed himself to feel and act this way, and it no longer felt natural to him. He couldn't help but think that it was also wrong on entirely different level.

_I am her teacher, damn it, it is not appropriate for me to feel this way!_

But despite these thoughts and feelings he couldn't let go of her. As he watched the moonlight slowly creep over the floor of the Hospital Wing, he held on to Hermione while she cried herself to sleep.

-----

When Hermione woke up early the next morning he was no longer there. For a short moment she thought that she had just imagined him, but she knew that she couldn't have. He had been there, and he had held on to her while she cried.

_But what does it all mean? I'm his student, a Gryffindor no less... Why would he even care how I feel? Why would he do anything to help me? Why did he do that, what is his reasons?_

A sudden thought nearly made her laugh. For just one second, she had been convinced that he was in love with her, but the thought was simply preposterous. Or was it? She allowed herself to indulge in the idea for just a moment, and to her immense surprise, she felt nothing more than curiosity.

_Could I ever possibly love him? Perhaps._

As the sun started to shine through the windows, Hermione sat absorbed in thoughts. Even though the events of the previous night still weighed on her shoulders, she couldn't help but feel that she did have something now. Even though she had no idea of what this would mean to her, or even what she thought about it, but it was none the less nice to think that she had something--Something to find out.

Something to live for.


End file.
